"I Regret To Inform You That My Wedding To Captain Von Trapp Has Been Cancelled."

A great piece I had found whilst strolling through the web written by Melinda Taub, and potentially a great comedic audition monologue!  If you like The Sound of Music, or even if you don't and you're familiar with the plot, it's awfully smart.  Oh, this poor woman.  Read and enjoy!

Dear Friends, Family and Austrian nobility, 

Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer. 

Those of you on the Captain's side of the guest list are probably aware of the reason for the change of plans. I'm sure you have already received that charming "Save the date!" card in the shape of a mountain goat from the Captain and his new fiancée, Maria. 

I must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. It seems Captain Von Trapp and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says. 

But I don't want you to be angry at him. We are all adults here. "But Baroness," so many of my friends have said, "you must be devastated. You yourself are fabulously wealthy, so you cannot have wanted the Captain for his money—you must have truly loved him." It's true. But so, I am sure, does his new fiancée, his children's nanny. Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She's definitely not a gold digger or anything. 

I'm sorry. That was crude of me. She seems like a lovely person, and she and the children have a great deal in common. 

A great, great, great deal. 

Since I will no longer be a part of their lives, I do hope you will all keep an eye on the Captain's children. I am not terribly maternal but I was very fond of them in my own way and I must admit I am worried what will become of them now that I have gone. I had planned to send them to boarding school, since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales. I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman. 

Please, friends, don't worry about me. While I was a bit startled to be thrown aside for someone who flunked out of nun school, I assure you that I will be fine, and my main pursuits in life shall continue to be martinis, bon mots, and looking fabulous. You'll also be glad to know I have retained custody of the Captain's hard-drinking gay friend, Max. Anyone who gets tired of sing-a-longs should feel free to look us up. 

Again, my deepest apologies for this disruption to your plans. I am currently sorting through the wedding gifts we've already received and I will send them back as soon as possible. The Captain would help, but he is busy learning to play a song about cuckoo clocks on his guitar. 


Sincerely,

Baroness Elsa Schraeder 

Snicker!  Let me know if you use it - and how it went!

Monologue Writing

This post was originally published on my handmade jewelry blog, Design by Cassandra, on November 2, 2009.

William Shakespeare's 'The Tragedy of Julius Ceasar', Aquila Theatre Company, New York

I had sent this email just this evening to a friend of mine on Twitter who was having some trouble with a university project, which required her to either write a monologue or a two-part dialogue.  (She considered the dialogue to be a 'cop-out', so we know what her decision is!)  I had sent her this email, hoping to inspire her, and to approach it at a different angle.  Here's what I wrote to my friend:

Okay, so you want to write a monologue.  It's not as daunting as you think, when you apply yourself to it. 

I'd been doing theatre all my life, and I love the acting craft.  I have so much appreciation for everything having to do with breathing life into words on paper, flushing them out into moving pictures and beyond talking heads.  I think one of the big misunderstandings about the words in the script is that the playwright must been a keen observer of the human spirit, psyche and nature to compose such natural dialogue.  Boy, I wonder how people speak themselves, if it isn't in natural dialogue?